When Words Aren't Enough

Tonight (last night, really) I went to a concert with my mom. It was a piano concert being given by my piano teacher from when I was in 8th, 9th and 10th grades. It was held at a local college, and my mom happened to see a flyer for it at a local music store a couple weeks ago. The artist's name is Joseph Martin, and he's an accomplished composer of choral works as well as piano arrangements. In short, he's pretty darn amazing. Tonight's concert was profound for me on many levels.

When I was a very little kid, my mother would take me with her to piano recitals. She took me to kid recitals and she'd tell me that I would do that some day. She took me to adult performances too. She was in college at the time, and she was getting recital attendance credit for some of it, but she was also very intentionally exposing me to what she believed was my natural bent. She was doing everything in her power to raise me up in the way she believed God had made me to go.

When I was in 8th grade, my mom drove me downtown in 4:00 traffic (and then back home in 5:00 traffic) to take me to my piano lessons with Joseph Martin. I know those lessons weren't cheap. He was already at the point of not needing to teach lessons to make a living. His first CD of piano solos (his own arrangements, of course) came out that year. Mom took me to those lessons down there for nearly 3 years. And she really hates driving in traffic.

Sitting beside her on the front row tonight, I thought of all those things, and I cried. Tears of appreciation for her wisdom and sacrifices all those years ago flowed freely as the air was filled with beautiful piano music being played by my teacher.

As regular readers of my blog know, I have been feeling the presence of God's providence in my personal history converging on this very time in my life, with going back to work and becoming a choir director. Studying piano with Joseph Martin was a critical chapter in my musical development. Working with him honed my musical instincts BIG time. He was also a spiritual influence as well. I can't even really put that part of it to words... The supernatural in music, emotion, spirit... I don't think I had ever really thought about those things before studying with Joe. (Granted, I was only 13 when I started working with him.) Now those concepts are as connected in my thinking as breathing is to living.

And of course now that I'm leading choir rehearsals daily, I'm playing the piano daily. Most often I'm playing badly, but at least I'm playing. I hadn't played much in the years between college and now. I really think I had been running from the piano. My mother was always disappointed that I didn't practice enough, and I had tied her love for me to the piano (it was all in my head- she never meant to do that). Now, in the last couple years, after having been away from it for so many years, and still feeling loved by her (after all, I've given her GRANDCHILDREN now!), I have felt God calling me back to the piano. Since about a year ago, I have been making myself play more often, just whatever I wanted to play, and I'm seeing even that as leading me to where I am in my job. Like I said, I'm not playing well, but I can play enough of the accompaniment for the students to get their cues.

Joe has remained someone special to me, long after I was no longer his piano student. He played the piano at my wedding. I know he doesn't do that for just anybody. I have seen him at music conventions and things throughout the years.

All these things went through my mind as I listened to the concert. And cried. Happy tears. Thankful tears.

When words aren't enough, music speaks.

("Music Speaks" is the name of a song my choirs are singing. I'm currently trying to learn to play the accompaniment respectably!)

Childcare Difficulties

With the H1N1 flu scare going on, I'm definitely being much more cautious about sickness than I ever have been before. Also, with my new job, and having gone through a little bit of sickness already this year (did I blog about that?), and knowing that nothing productive will happen for my students without me, I am doing everything I can to be there at work.

Little Girl's babysitter has not been able to keep Little Girl for the last 5 work days. Her poor daughter has been sick with fever for 7 or 8 days in a row now, I don't even remember how many days it's been. She dosn't have the dreaded "swine flu", but she does have something nasty, keeping her fever in the 101 range for all these days. I don't need to be bringing that home with Little Girl, so to limit her exposure, I've been picking her up from school about 45 minutes before the usual end of her school day, and taking her with me to my afternoon school to hang out in my office while I teach that one class. I've been bringing my laptop and playing DVD's for her, so she's been pretty happy. And she's very fascinated with the "big kids" who come to my room.

We knew that having a private babysitter left us vulnerable to this very situation. This has been the worst-case scenario, but I think it's working out better than I expected. My principal doesn't seem to be bothered by Little Girl being there at school with me, and the other teachers who see us in the halls smile at her, and some even talk to Little Girl. She has "helped" me carry papers back from the copier and things like that too, which is very good for her. She loves to be a helper.

The thing that's difficult in all this is the drive to work, then back past home to pick up Little Girl, then back to work. It's about 40 minutes of driving in the middle of my day that I need to be spending on work. In an ideal world, I'd also be dropping by the grocery store during some of that time too. We've been needing bread and milk at home for the last 3 days, but having Little Girl with me, I don't think to make that stop. It's just different... Since my schedule is as complicated as it is, with a break in the middle of the day, I'm not actually missing any official work time in all this craziness. That's my own time that I'm spending to drive across town and back, or that I'd spend working.

Little Girl has been such a champ. She has not been disruptive except for the 2 times she's needed to go potty in the middle of class (which isn't bad considering that she's been there 5 days). The choir kids let out an "AWWW!" every time she pokes her head out of my office when they're around. She is pretty cute, I can't blame them.

I have been able to spend quite a lot more time with Little Girl through this, which has been kind of nice in a lot of ways. I really was missing her. I think she was missing me too. We have had lots of little snuggly moments in the last week. It has been a blessing. Now I can be ready to not have to go get her anymore once the babysitter's child gets well, and I won't long for her like I had been. I'll appreciate my autonomy quite a lot more!

I think it's been good for my choir kids too. They can have a face to put with the stories I tell. They have seen me as more than just their teacher, they've seen me as a mom. I had told them before that I missed my daughter, and now they've seen her, they've heard her little voice. They've seen her holding her crotch and telling me that she had to go potty, and then me running to take her as quickly as possible!

Let me say here that I'm so very thankful that she actually GOES POTTY!! It wasn't so long ago that I was doubting if she ever would.

Timing... it's so important. The timing of Little Girl's becoming potty-trained, of my schedule allowing enough time in the middle of my day for me to pick Little Girl up and eat lunch and still be in place for class. God had this whole thing arranged to work out just right. Even in the midst of crazy circumstances, there is still order, and needs are met. God is so very good.

I really do feel for the babysitter who is caring for her sick child. She's been torn up that she hasn't been able to do for us what we've hired her to do. She has two other children at home that she's trying to keep healthy at the same time as taking care of the sick one. And the poor girl who has been sick will have at least 6 days of school-work to make up when she finally goes back to school... She's probably on the mend, and we're hoping that tomorrow will be the last day that the she'll have to stay home and I'll have to pick up Little Girl and take her with me. Please, God? Will You make it be the last day? Will You please put things back the way they were with everyone healthy?

My Calling

I think I have found what I was born to do.

When I'm leading a choir, teaching musical concepts through a given piece of music, it thrills me to my core like nothing else. And when the choir actually gives me back what I asked for... there is nothing like it.

I truly love what I do. I have wondered if I would ever get to the point of finding a job I could do for the rest of my life. I have always heard that in order to be satisfied professionally, you have to find something that you can do that you would do even if you weren't getting paid to do it. I think directing choirs is that thing for me.

I have often tried to do it "on the side" with adults, and the problem has been that they don't stay committed. Well, if you get a group of kids, and they have to be there, it's all the better. Of course that compulsory element brings with it administrative stuff that is less than fun, and then you get into why I get paid to do what I do. Not only do I get to do the fun stuff, actually leading the choirs, but I also have to do that other garbage that I must be paid to do.

Anyway, I have had people ask me how things are going with the whole going back to work thing. I'd say that things are going well, and my calling is confirmed.

Then there's the other part of the calling. Why now? Why not next year when Little Girl would be in Kindergarten? I have no doubt that I am called to those kids that I will only be able to reach this year. Next year my 8th graders will be 9th graders, and even if I got this very same job, I would not be able to make any impact on those kids. Timing is an important aspect of this.

I've been thinking about that a lot lately. Just wanted to share.

I have a feeling that the eternal implications of this calling will be hidden for a long, long time, so I'm not looking for tangible results in that arena. My short-term goals are to build relationships and to make music. From relationships will come influence, and from music-making will come shared experiences, strengthening relationships. This is a good place to be.

Coming Together

This is the first week that I am considering "normal". I have started a choir club at the school where I teach in the afternoon so that I can boost my numbers for performances and contests. We're meeting twice a week. Those are my late days. I now have a feel for how my crazy schedule works, and when I can expect to pick up the kids and get home each day.

For the first meeting of the choir club, I had some students who showed up just because they knew I'd give them candy. This time, I had a much better group of kids. The kids who are not in choir class, but ARE in choir club, are really great kids. Today's choir club meeting was so fun. It's a tiny little group, but they are focused, and kind, and we had such a great rehearsal today. I was able to teach them so much in a short time. It does help that half of the kids in the club are also in class, but still, there are several who really don't know anything about sinigng in a choir, and they're working hard to catch on. If things keep going down the road like today, the choir club will be a very satisfying experience for the students and for me.

At my other school, where I teach 85 6th graders, things are going very well... I can't wait until the rehearsals where all three periods get together and sing as one giant choir. I think they'll be blown away by the massive sound. So far all three classes know two of the three songs they'll be singing for the concert in a month. I need to get that last song out to them... note to self...

All in all, I think things are coming together...

The girls are both doing well with a working mom. I expected for Little Girl to run into some problems, just because she's only been with me since she was born. She seems to be doing very well. She likes to go to school, and she's doing well with the babysitter. We've run into our first hiccup with that plan this week, and it's not even been that big a deal. Our babysitter's daughter has been sick, so I went between my two schools and picked Little Girl up and brought her to work with me for the afternoon. Looks like I'll have to do that tomorrow too. At least tomorrow will be an early day for me, and I can leave work before 3:00. Anyway, Little Girl did great, and she was kind of an attraction for my students. They all "AWWWW"ed at her when they peeked in the window of my office at her. She was just sitting there watching DVD's on my laptop while I taught class, and then ran the choir club after school. It was quite nice to see Little Girl for so much of the day today. I really have missed her lately.

Big Girl is loving her after school care. She's going to the YMCA after school program that meets at her school. She cries when I pick her up sometimes. She just wants to play. I'm taking that as a good sign. She's making friends there and in her class. I just love hearing her talk about friends and playing "school" with them. To think of where she is in light of where she was four years ago, not playing with peers at all... I'm so thankful to God for getting her diagnosis and also the special ed intervention when she was so young. She's almost 7 years old now. Most people would never know there is anything different about her at all. She's so amazing... I could go on forever...

I am blessed. God is good, He is SO good to me!

Another Cart

I am loving my cart even more than I expected. It's a very good thing. So good, in fact, that I have now checked out a cart at my other school. I have an office there, but I have to bring out stuff to use during class, and then pack it all back away in my office at the end of every day. Carts are so nice, and I've found that librarians really like to check out the ones that don't have any AV equipment on them to get them out of the way. Most people just want to check out the ones with the equipment, and then the empty ones just get moved out of the way of the others, then shoved back into place over and over again... I'm so happy with my little cart.

It's the little things.

And something big-ish happened today too. I can't give any details, like I would anyway... I read the poetry of a student today, some very dark poetry from a very disturbed student. I just hope that this is the beginning of the relationship-building that it will take for this otherwise very capable and talented girl to realize her worth and potential. My heart goes out to her. She needs divine intervention in her life, BIG TIME.

Lord, please break through the walls around this girl's heart. Soften her heart. Prepare her to hear the truth of your love. Lord, please replace this child's heart of stone with a heart of flesh. Only YOU can make a difference in her life. If I can help her along her journey to find you, please speak through me, and give me the discernment to know when the time is right to speak. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Please join me in praying for this girl. Thank you, blog friends.

Phrasing

I had a totally middle school day today... Well, one class period anyway.

Today I finally started to teach the kids some MUSICALITY, which is when their singing starts sounding really good. I have one class in particular that already sing rather well, and so adding the nuances just make it heavenly.

So today I was trying to teach phrasing. That's when there is some dynamic shape to each musical line. In the particular phrase I was using to teach the concept today, there were two high points. I drew a phrasing map on the board as a visual representation, and we talked about which words were the ones at the climax of each part, and marked that on the board. It looked like two humps on a camel, or something else...

This class could not stop snickering the whole time. Every time I went to the board to add to the visual, the giggling increased...

I didn't even say what I knew they were all thinking. They were thinking dirty. I drew an innocent picture to help them understand a musical concept, and their dirty little minds went somewhere else. Well, after a little while, I couldn't stop seeing it that way either, and then I was giggling... Never again will I be able to draw two phrases on the board side-by-side. At least not for that class.

Since I was giggling, and to get their minds out of the gutter, I told them about how my brother used to be able to make me laugh at will by looking me in the eye and saying four little words to me. I wouldn't tell the class what those words were because I didn't want them to say those words to me over and over. They are dying to know those words. So the deal is that if they are perfect angels and there is no chit-chat in the transitions for the WHOLE CLASS PERIOD, then I will tell them what those words are. They aren't magic or anything.

He would always give me a grin with a twinkle in his eye and say, "I see that smile." No matter how angry I was, he could always make me laugh. Which would also make me more angry because I couldn't keep my angry face on.

Anyway, as long as that class REALLY wants that information, I have to weild it as power. I think I turned what could have been a really bad situation with gutter-brained adolesents into a positive relationship-building situation that will hopefully make classroom management easier tomorrow.

It's pretty sad that middle school is turning out to be such a good fit for me. What does that say about my maturity? (That's a rhetorical question. Please, don't answer.)

Another Happy Dance!

In order to truly communicate my extacy over what has transpired today, I must first share the depths of my frustrations which once resolved set my feet to dancing.

I have two schools, one where I am an assistant choir director, and another where I am the only choir director. At the school where I assist, I share an office with the other choir director. He's a nice guy, and we get along well. That being said, he's a clutter-bug, and there is not a clean work surface to be found anywhere in the entire choir room, let alone the choir office. I moved a student desk in there so I'd have a place to call my own without taking up too much real estate. Within 10 minutes, I was sharing "my" work surface with the office phone.

After a couple weeks of school, I've run things off to pass out to my classes, and what do I do with the extras? They go on my desk. Now where's that one thing...? Oh, it's on my desk, under the pile of papers... I don't have enough space to spread things out and figure out what's what. Frustrtating.

To make my situation just a little MORE complicated, I teach one class in the choir room, and then I teach the next two class periods in the room next door. When I have passed things out to my 2nd and 3rd period classes, and someone is absent, then they ask for it the next day, and I have not brought that stack of extras to the next room. It's on my desk in the office next door. It's been a problem, and I hate not being prepared. It wastes class time, and there's not enough time to waste on running to the next room to get that thing that I passed out yesterday for the kid who wasn't there.

Today, I got myself a CART!! I checked it out from the library, and it's MINE!!! I can put papers on it that need to be passed out, and then just wheel it next door and have every thing I need! It's a dumb thing to be happy about, I guess, but it should solve some pretty big frustrations for me. Also, it's some horizontal surface that my office-mate isn't allowed to stack things on. It's the closest thing I have to a real desk of my own. I want to get some of those "in" and "out" boxes to put on it so that kids will have a place they can turn things in to me without having to say every time where things need to go... I may even get some ribbons and decorate my cart to scare off the clutter-bug...

Now hopefully I can spend less time running next door and more time with the kids SINGING!

Today was a good day for singing... I'm in the right job. I just love it. Especially now that I have my cart!

My Email Happy Dance

This week I finally got email access at both my schools. I had been waiting for that for about two and a half weeks. As boring as it is to look through emails from teachers where the subject line is "Two student desks up for grabs," completely empty in the body of the message, it's pretty over whelming to see 50 of those every time you sit down at the one computer where you can actually see those messages. It's so helpful to be able to sift through things at least twice a day, keeping the new message load reasonably managable.

The other problem that has been solved this week is the log-in problem. I have been sharing a computer with the other choir director at one of my schools, and every time he or I would sit down to look at emails, we'd have to log the other person out, and then log in. Now, my local account has been moved to the other campus, and my remote access is through the web, so he doesn't have to be logged out for me to see my email. It's a more streamlined experience for both of us.

This has got to be one of the most boring posts ever. Sorry. My life is getting so complicated these days... it's the little things that must be celebrated for my sanity to remain!

I have NO idea why, but the Gwen Stefani song, "It's My Life" is in my head. I don't even really care for her music. *Sigh*