Failing Everyone

I've come to learn that my driven personality has a downside. Occaisionally I'll get the feeling that nothing I'm doing is up to snuff, and I'm letting everyone down. I'm an acheiver, a goal-setting (and goal-reaching) maniac. There are so many areas in life where there aren't any concrete goals, and in those things, I flounder.

Raising children is one of those things. Of course I have the goal of raising my girls to be competent, pleasant, independent adults. But what does that mean for right now? Well, with Little Girl that meant reigning in her outright defiance over the last several years. In a way, that was easy. I had the end-game in mind, and she wasn't going to win. (I'm speaking of this in the past tense now, as it hasn't been a constant struggle for us in the last four months or so - PRAISE GOD!!!) But other things are more nebulous. How do I succeed in the short term in making my kids feel loved? How do I make memories for them that will outlast my lifetime?

Big Girl's birthday is coming up. She's expecting a party. I don't know if I can pull it off... It's too late to call up one of those places and book her party somewhere so that I don't have to DO everything. But at the same time, I don't want to pay big bucks for a 7th birthday party. I know she's old enough to remember everything now. When they're super little, it makes no sense at all to have big parties (I have been to a 1st birthday party at Chuck-E-Cheese - no lie). But that's no longer the case. Besides, this is the kid who wrote a letter to the tooth fairy this school-year and included the date on which she lost her first (and only) tooth, April 21st. How many kids remember stuff like that in such detail six months later?

Since I don't have the kind of time I used to have, Hubby and I were trying to get Big Girl adjusted to the idea of having one friend over to spend the night, and doing something special with that friend in lieu of a birthday party. She seemed to like the idea, but then I guess she didn't realize that she was forfeiting a party in that scenario. She's changed her tune. I have just under two weeks to make this happen. The pressure is on.

At work, this is concert week. The Fall Concert is Saturday night, and the district's Performing Arts Center (PAC). My 6th grade choir is sort-of getting there. We had our first practice with the acocmpanist on Friday. The class that I thoguht was the best completely fell apart at one place. And it was in a song they KNOW. I couldn't believe it. I don't think that will happen again, at least I hope not. My conducting is atrocious. I've been mostly playing the piano in rehearsals, and I haven't been practicing my conducting. I can't even keep a four-beat pattern going consistently, it seems. I am at least giving cues, dynamic gestures, and important cut-offs. I'm really glad my conducting professor won't be at this concert. He might be tempted to go back and change my grade from 10 years ago.

In this situtation, it's not so much that I'm failing everyone, I'm just really afraid that I will. I don't want to let the students down, and do something on stage that makes them mess up. I don't want to let my teaching partner down. After all, he picked me to work with him. He believed in me. I don't want him to rethink that. I want this concert to be great also as a sort of justification to myself that I'm doing the right thing in going back to work. If I can't succeed here, then maybe this is a mistake. (As I type that sentence, I know it's not true. God's hand is in this, even if I fail.)

What really gets me doubting is my time with Little Girl and Big Girl. They are not suffering from our recent changes in the family routines. But if they were, would I be able to tell? Is this the kind of thing that will come up with a therapist in 20 years? "You see, doc, it all started when my mom went back to work when I was 4 years old..." Who wants that??

I'm feeling so very guilty right now about neglecting the scrapbooks. I honestly don't have time to do anything with them right now, but when I was home, I didn't do much with them in the last few years. And the Great Hard Drive Crash of 2006 still haunts me.

I woke up this morning about 3 minutes before my alarm went off. It's set for weekdays, and I failed to turn it off for yesterday and today. I turned it off after it sounded, and then I tried to go back to sleep. But all I could think about was how I'm going to let everyone down, thus, this blog entry.

I wish I wasn't so hard on myself. The likelihood that I will fail everyone is pretty low. Yes, I'm sure there are things about raising my kids that I'm going to regret, that I already regret. I will fail at that to some degree. The task is too huge for it to be free of mistakes. I'm also pretty sure that I'll make some mistake on the concert next Saturday, but I'm also sure that the 6th grade parents and kids will be pretty happy with whatever happens, and they probably won't notice a little mistake here and there so long as their little angel is singing. Big Girl's birthday will happen, and there will probably be a party, although there aren't yet plans made. It will come together. She will not be neglected.

The ultimate truth is that I can't handle all the things on my plate. Not in my own strength. If I try doing all this on my own, I will fail. No doubt. If I put my trust in God, then the things that need to get done will get done. He can double my efforts, give me wisdom to tackle what's important. I am not in control.

And that's the ultimate truth: I am not in control. I need to rest in that.