Personal Struggles

Toward the very end of this post, I alluded to something which I wasn't ready to talk about yet. In today's earlier post, I alluded to being frustrated about something at work which I cannot blog about. So in order to shift my mind from what I want (but can't) blog about, I'm going to delve into that previous topic and hope it consumes my thoughts in such a way that I will no longer be stuck on what I'm currently stuck on. Make sense? Hope so.

Last summer I had been convicted by God to stop watching a particular TV show. It's a prime time drama, and many of the plot lines involve sexual escapades by the main characters. The particular TV show is not what's important here. The important thing is that I knew without a doubt that God had pricked my heart and let me know in no uncertain terms that my watching that show was not OK with Him. I cancelled the recording on my DVR so that new episodes would no longer be waiting for me every week, and I went on with life, and pretty much forgot about that show. Until recently it has been added to Netflix streaming...

Has God changed His message to me about what's OK for me to watch? Has is suddenly become OK with Him for me to let my mind dwell on the sexual escapades of fictional characters being acted out in front of me on the screen? Yeah... no.

Well, I wanted to watch it again. I like that show. So I started from episode 1. I justified it to myself by telling myself that I wasn't watching anything new. It was all stuff I had already seen.

Did that make it OK? Of course not.

And then I got into the outright rebellion. I started to tell God that I didn't care if it was wrong for me. (Can't you just see my fist shaking at heaven?) I want to do what I want to do. Besides, I'm not hurting anyone.

Yeah, yeah, yeah... I know. When you see it typed out like that, it looks so stupid. That's about where I was on the day that I had "Psalm 20" in my head. Remember this?




May He answer you in the day of your trouble and may He set you safely on high.
May He send help from His sanctuary and may He grant you your heart's desire.

Those are the first two lines of the song. How in the world can Holy God overlook intentional rebellion to bless His child? I have been slowly learning in the last few years that being "in sin," wallowing in rebellion and repeating wrong acts on purpose doesn't so much set me up for the lightning bolt from heaven as much as it sets me out of place for the blessing of God. He removes the blessings rather than smacks down the discipline.

What was getting to me that day was knowing that my actions really do impact other people. What blessings am I keeping from my children because I want to watch a stupid TV show and keep myself out of the line of blessing? Seriously, what is worth THAT?

This may not make sense to everyone who reads my blog. And I still have many things in my life that are not up to God's standard. I have not "arrived" just because I have (eventually) done right in this one thing. I'm ashamed to admit that I was into the second season before I finally came to the point of obeying the voice of God speaking into my heart. I didn't watch any more after that day.

I really do have a personal relationship with God. And I'm not good unless God prompts me out of His goodness and love to be good too, as a response to His goodness. When I can clearly see what I do as hurting Him, being the reason Jesus laid down His life on the cross, the only logical response is to want to stop doing those things. It's called repentance. Some sins are obvious, like the ones listed in the 10 Commandments, but others are more subtle. It doesn't say "Thou shalt not watch TV-14 rated TV shows," in the 10 Commandments. I know, only through the personal relationship I have with God, where He has laid the boundaries for me.

I am not telling you what is right for you. Please don't take this that way. What I am saying is that if God lets you know that something is wrong for you, then it is wrong to ignore that little voice in your heart telling you what is wrong.

Looking at those two lines from the song is bringing me to tears yet again. This time it's for a different reason. The answers to my frustrations are not earthly answers. The only help I can rely on is from His sanctuary. Only He can set me safely on high. Only He can give me my heart's desire.

Thank you, Lord, for answering the cries of my heart through your Word once again. Please bless this school year in ways I can't even imagine.