Never Failed Me Yet

This song is quietly playing in the back of my mind, a subtle underpinning to the goings on around me, whether the radio or TV is on, or the kids are noisy. It's Jars of Clay's "Jesus' Blood Never Failed Me Yet," on their album, Who We Are Instead.

Jesus' blood never failed me yet
Never failed me yet
Jesus' blood never failed me yet
This one thing I know
That He loves me so

I hope you're encouraged by this today. He's never failed you either.

That can be a tough pill to swallow when things aren't going right and you feel completely let down. The truth, which doesn't have anything to do with how you feel, is that God hasn't failed you. Whatever pain He's allowing into your life (and mine) is for a purpose, whether to strengthen you (me), teach you (me), or purify you (me).

It's easy to discount words like this when you think they're coming from someone who doesn't know your pain, or you think might not know pain at all. Trust me, I know pain. I may not know your pain specifically, but I have been dealt some blows from which I wasn't sure I'd recover. God has healed me from some of that, and I'm truly on "the other side". But there are other more recent things that still sting.

In March of 2004, when my big girl was 17 months old, I learned I was expecting my second baby. I was thrilled. A few days later, my husband's sister, who has been my friend since we were 11, told the family that she was expecting her first baby. We were due within 2 days of each other. It was so exciting. About two weeks later, she called and asked us to pray for her and her baby. She was experiencing some bleeding. I did pray. I plead to God for the life of her baby, her FIRST baby. I knew that losing her baby would crush her. I asked God that if He had to take one of our babies, that He not take hers. I don't know why I prayed that, but I did. A week later, her bleeding had stopped. And mine had begun. Two weeks after that, at nine weeks pregnant, I miscarried. (During that two weeks, I did go to the doctor, and I had an ultrasound where I saw a tiny little beating heart.)

I blamed myself for praying what I prayed. I blamed God. He knew the ultimate fate of that baby before s/he was conceived. Why did He allow the pain of that loss into my life? What kind of a good God would give you something you want and then take it away?

I wallowed in despair and downright depression for several months after that. The summer of 2004 was very difficult. In July I had pretty much given up trying to get pregnant again because I didn't want to be open to the possibility of losing another baby. When I made that determination, I was already pregnant with my little girl. But then I was caught in a very strange emotional place. I felt bad for feeling happy. I was happy to be pregnant with the new little life inside me, but if I hadn't lost the other one, I wouldn't have this one. And I was afraid. It's so hard to explain to anyone who hasn't been there. Even my husband didn't understand. The one we lost wasn't quite real to him, and he didn't feel it the way I did, which made me feel so very alone in my pain.

I put on a happy face for most of my pregnancy and let the confused, frustrated, angry with God emotions take a back seat. After all, I had another little life to take care of besides my then two-year-old. I received some wise counsel straight out of Matt. 5:4, "Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted." It wasn't until almost two years after my miscarriage (when my little girl was ten months old) that I was able to fully mourn, and receive God's comfort and healing.

I have a niece who is the same age as my child would have been. For three years that is how I saw her. Every time I saw her. It wasn't until this past January that I was able to see her without that thought being in the front of my mind.

Oh how I wish that was the end of my story of loss and pain. But that's enough for now. Jesus blood never failed me, even when I was in the pit of despair. His blood won't fail you either.